I Have Been Holding My Breath.
I Have Been Holding My Breath for a Week and a Day.
Holding It All In.
Just the other week. Just the other week. Y’all, just the other week we were pregnant. We were going to have our fifth kiddo. We were wrestling that out. We were standing in numbers of bedrooms. We were knowing we had waited longer than we ever had before to tell people. We were trying to do it better this time and do it right and wait and be patient, but we KNEW. And we sat in the doctor’s office hopeful and ready to embrace this road. And surely. Surely. God wouldn’t take this away. God wouldn’t make me walk the same road. And there was certainty that was so uncertain but this hope that felt almost helpless and there was no heartbeat and we stared at a screen and listened to words from a man we had just met about life and loss and how it wasn’t my fault.
And I was Holding My Breath.
Immediately Thinking on Hospital Bills.
Holding My Husband’s Hand.
Holding It All In.
And I laid in the recovery bed after surgery while a recovery nurse planned a vacation on her cell phone. And I wanted to scream at her that she was breaking the rules. And she was supposed to take care of ME. And I was right here. Holding my breath. Dying inside. And I really didn’t care to know whether or not she was going to fly out of Houston or Dallas. Instead I smiled. Asked her if she was ok because she looked sad. And listened while I held my breath and smiled…pushing the part of me way down that wanted to tell her that her job was to ask me about ME.
And We Drove Home.
And the Battery on the Car Had Died that Morning.
And I Held My Breath.
Taking Care of A Million Details.
It is Just What You Do.
My parents left the next day. And I forced myself (as best I could) to stay in bed. To let the kids just stare at electronic screens and TVs all day. And take care of me. Right? But the text shocked me. “Call me now.” And I was calling. And he was laid off. And he was driving home. And he was making phone calls. And I held my breath as I thought about our kids. Our finances. All the people headed to my house that evening to hear the Jesus Story of an ordinary girl. The music. The food. The coffee. The smiles. The standing in the doorway greeting people. And could I find Him? Could I find Jesus? Could there be joy? Could the words I had spoken to all the other people apply to this moment? And I am the person…the mommy… who keeps things going. And I showered. And I put on cute clothes. And I lit a candle in the kitchen that smelled like summer.
And They All Showed Up.
And We Heard About Jesus.
And I Held My Breath.
And Smiled Big Smiles.
And Cried Big Tears.
Too Big to Explain.
My friend texted me and asked me how I was doing. I’m good. But how do you REALLY feel? And I texted her how angry I was and how upset I was and how scared I am and how tired and how overwhelmed. And it was the longest text ever. And I hit send before I could edit it and make it sound less like I might fall apart. And she said I sounded like a Judy Blume book. And I said I sounded like a Lifetime Movie or a bad country song. And with that text I laughed. A real laugh. And breathed in and out for just a few moments. And let some tears fall in my bathroom as I hurried to get myself ready and four kiddos ready for church.
We Prayed Together at the Prayer Alter.
My Husband Prayed Through Tears.
He Held My Hand.
I Held My Breath.
And this is where I am today. Heartbroken. Heart aching. A mom of four married to a wonderful provider who was laid off the day after his wife…ME…had surgery to remove the baby…the baby…that didn’t make it…one year after doing that very same thing. I am floored. I am tired. Knees aching with prayers. Too many prayers. Asking why and how and what’s next and when will we know and how could You let all this happen and what did I do and what about me and don’t I deserve a break or at least a million dollars and can my Jesus Story always be the one filled with laughter through tears???? Dear Lord. A week and a day. And I am done.
The 2 /12 year old is running down the hallway in only a diaper smiling…that smile…saying, “I want to hold you!” And he is in my arms. My oldest is earning money this summer by doing odd jobs so he can save for some electronic thing he wants. And I am proud of him. Who he is becoming. I am listening to my whole family eat lunch…leftover lunch…provided by my Jesus through the hands of friends who stopped by, dropped by, sent meals all the way from Florida y’all…and we are still eating and haven’t grocery shopped yet. And I am breathing y’all. In and out. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One mountain at a time…to climb…to move…to pray my way through…And this is life y’all. And it is good. And it is hard. And it is sad. And it is filled with joy. All at the very same time.
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
I am HOPE filled Y’all.
Because I KNOW…I KNOW…
In the sad, in the happy, in the hurt, in the heartache, in the easy and in the really hard…
Jesus is Just Plain Big Y’all.